Monday, December 9, 2013

Surviving Infidelity Within the Thin Blue Line - Part II

Last week we caught a glimpse into the personal life of one law enforcement couple struggling with infidelity.  Today, I want to continue on with my friend's journey.  It is our prayer that you will find hope through her testimony.  As I've said before, "No trial is ever wasted."

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The first thing I want you to know is that if you are going through this there is HOPE!!!  After that, the next important thing is to have a humble heart through it all.  Yes, you are the one who has been hurt, but what your spouse has done to himself/herself, in my opinion, is far worse. 


When my husband began talking with the individual who tried to destroy us, what began as perceived innocent conversation with someone who had a listening ear, mushroomed quickly into poor choices with a bitter woman still nursing the wounds of countless failed relationships and marriages, and three different fathers for three children - the paternity of one of them questionable.    

Think of it this way, if you were suffering from alcoholism you wouldn’t go to an AA meeting held at a bar?   Temptation is alluring and seductive.  It plays upon our emotions especially when we are vulnerable.  This is why it is never a good idea to confide in the opposite sex who is not our spouse, and does not truly understand what we are going through.   

In our situation, the next steps involving the healing process were agonizing, and it would have been much easier to walk away than to stay and fight.   My husband had to come to terms with what he did and admit it, while I sought answers.  Ever try to have a conversation with a 3 year old who is involved with their favorite TV program?  It was much like that for a long time….hard to pin him down and figure out the “whys?” 

Many of our conversations were me asking the questions and getting minimal information.  “When did it start?  How did it start?  Who initiated contact?  How many times were you together?  What did you do?  What did you talk about?  Did she know about me?  Did she know about our family?  Did she know you had children, and did she care?”  I got a lot of “I don’t know and I don’t remember” answers.  Frustrating.

This was an evil attack.  She told him everything he wanted to hear, along with the fact that he shouldn’t be married.  Things for us were not great at the time, so anything she said was better than anything I had to offer.  How do you fight that?  I’ll tell you how, put on the Armor of God and Fight!

One thing I learned from the Love Dare is that love is a choice.  I chose to love this person till death do us part warts and all.  So I picked up that book again.  We also began counseling with someone who had actually experienced infidelity in their marriage.  We needed someone who had felt the feelings my husband and I were feeling; someone who had walked in our shoes.   I also reached out to a Christian Law Enforcement Community that was so supportive.  I wouldn’t be where I am today without them.  Kristi was an integral part of our success.

Trust me when I say, you need someone to be your sounding board and it cannot be your spouse.  If you badger them too much they will try to justify what they’ve done, then shut down.  This is from guilt they don’t want to remember, a typical human condition.  So I tried very hard not to let his transgressions get in the way of the repairing of our marriage.  I tried to do nice things for him.  Your “nice thing” will look different than mine, and it will be based on your marriage, but for me, I wanted to show him love. 

Don’t get me wrong…I was angry….VERY angry.    Who wouldn't be?  To this day I have yet to be able to pray for the person who tried to destroy my life, though I know in time it will come.  My anger must be dealt with each time I feel it rising up again, (enter the counselors) but then I need to refocus on what is really important - our marriage.   

I believe by the Grace of God I will get there one day.  Today is just not the day. 

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Please check in next Monday for the conclusion of this personal journey.  We would love to hear your feedback on this, so leave a comment! :)

Blessings,
Kristi

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (NIV)  1 Corinthians 13:4-8a


P.S.  My blog has been nominated for blog of the year.  Please vote for me at www.bookfun.org.  Thanks!

2 comments:

  1. You have some really fantastic thoughts here about how a couple can get through infidelity. My best friend recently found out that her husband has been having an affair, and I think it would be really good for her to read this post. She wants the marriage to survive, but they need help in moving past this point. I think that it is good to go to a counselor of some kind to get some help with this as well! http://beyondaffairs.com/

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    1. Thanks Julie. I pray your friend will find the peace and forgiveness she is seeking. It is definitely not an easy journey, but one that can be accomplished with the Lord's help. Blessings!

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