When A Man Loves a Woman through Silence. Five Things He Should Know.

I look around at the couples sitting in the congregation around me.  How many of them are suffering in silence? I think to myself.

Logging into Facebook, continual posts from wives about frustrations, hurts and deepening wounds from their spouse fill my screen.  Why can't these husbands see?

Men, if you are loving your woman through silence, my heart aches for the precious one on the receiving end.  I don't think you can even fathom what destruction is being done to her heart and soul, not to mention the strength of your marriage.

What do I mean when I say "loving through silence?"  Let me give you a scenario, then offer up five things you should know about the woman who longs to connect with you.

Joe was a hard worker.  He'd been on the police force for over 20 years.  He kept his nose clean and always acted with integrity when dealing with the perps on the street.  Joe was married right out of high school to a vibrant, outgoing woman who could light up the room upon entering.  However, after several years of shift work and a couple close calls, Joe had become hardened and silent.  He held everything in, partially for his wife's safety and peace of mind, but more so because she just wouldn't understand.

Day after day, Rachel, Joe's wife, tried unsuccessfully to reconnect to her husband through conversation and lighthearted teasing, but all Joe could offer back was a grunt or sometimes a smile and nod of the head, and on a good day, a kiss and a "Gotta go, babe.  See you later."  Joe was killing his marriage as well as his wife's spirit, but he wasn't even aware.

Upon their oldest son's graduation from high school, Rachel packed up the car with the other two younger children and left the home for good.  That once carefree spirit was now subdued and beaten down.  All the love she had felt for Joe was gone and she was finished trying to hold up a sinking ship.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...  
Ephesians 5:25

1.  Silence is Deadly.  Your wife was created to be a relational human being.  She needs reconnection with you through conversation in order to feel secure and loved.  If you stay silent for too long and only converse with her on occasion or when you want your needs met, it will eventually shut her down emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

2.  Withholding Information is Detrimental to a Healthy Marriage.  Yes, there are things in a law enforcement career that you just can't share, but do not withhold everything.  Imagine yourself being called to a hostage situation, but given no information about the suspect, his or her potential weapon, whether or not the area surrounding is secured, what condition the hostage is in, etc.  Going into something blind is completely detrimental to the outcome of the crisis at hand.  The same with marriage.  You must share things about your day, your occupation, thoughts, dreams, etc. for her to feel secure in the relationship and your profession.  Open up what you can when you can.

3.  Warming Up to Your Wife Only in the Bedroom is Cheap and Uninviting.  Your wife deserves all of you, which includes your conversation.  If she feels as if the only time you want to be close to her is in the bedroom, she will experience feelings of frustration, disgust, irritation, guilt, etc.  Reconnect with her outside the bedroom daily, and you will find there is more intimacy within.

4.  Being Easily Irritated or Remaining Silent Especially When She is trying to Initiate Conversation is only Going to Push Her Away.  Understand....no one wants to be with a grouch.  If you continually snap or ignore when she tries to reconnect, eventually she will stop trying.  Though you may be under stress or feeling the effects of fatigue, it's no excuse to lash out at your spouse.  Love her.  Take the time to listen.  Remember how you focused on her every word when you were dating.  Daily maintenance is key to a healthy relationship.

5.  De-stressing through Games, Internet, Hobbies or Television must not Replace Time with Your Wife.  These things in and of themselves are not a bad thing and are often a helpful way to defragment from a stressful shift.  However, when they replace time with your wife, they've now become an idol instead of a tool.  Finding ways to connect to your wife should always come before personal agendas.  Make time to date her and enjoy her company.  If a healthy marriage is your goal, then one on one time is essential.

  Stress can take a toll on our marriages.  Often, we handle stress through silence or pulling away from those around us in order to internalize everything going on in our world.

In our marriages, however, we must make every effort to reconnect daily with our spouse.  If not, the silence between two people will eventually drown out the marriage song.  Sooo, what are you waiting for?  Get talking!