Fixing Me. One Police Wife's Story.
My husband and I met when I was 17 and he was 19. We had our son August 5, 2000, and married July 2001. During this time my husband had been working at the county jail and I was a stay at home mom. Soon after we got married my husband applied to and was hired to work for Bangor PD, two hours north of where I grew up, but where his family lived and where he grew up.
My husband worked nights. I really had no friends, and none of my family was close. Nobody had even reached out to me from the PD. We went to church several times a week but I was so shy and my husbands schedule wasn't like others, so we never fellowshipped with anyone. I felt alone and unloved. This caused fighting between my husband and I. It seemed as if that was all we did. I had so much bitterness inside, that I didn't know what to do. I felt like no one understood what I was going through, and that I was left to do everything by myself. I was always overwhelmed!
We had our second child, a girl, in 2004. At that point none of our issues were resolved. I just went through the motions.
Again I was feeling overwhelmed, worried, stressed and alone. It was like we were in a constant war that would never stop. We had to travel to Boston and deliver her there in February 2006. Again, I was just going through the motions but never truly giving my life to the Lord.
Our new baby girl wasn't sleeping well. She would cry ALL NIGHT LONG! At her six week cardiac appointment we received the news we were not expecting! She needed open heart surgery. I quickly responded, "When?" The doctor looked at me with intensity and said, "Now!"
She made it through surgery! Many were praying, thank God!
For several years after her surgery we went through many medical ups and downs between her and also me.I was so sick all the time, but it was from all the bitterness I was holding deep within. I did not recognize it at the time, or at least did not want to admit it.
My husband and I fought constantly. I wanted him to make me happy, but I felt as if he hated me. I was a mess and nobody knew how much. I wanted God to fix my husband. That's what I would pray all day and everyday. But little did I know I needed to be changed.
Continuing on into 2012...Yes, I can't believe we lasted that long. I began to draw distant from my husband. I would go to my parents almost every weekend. I didn't want to be near him. He didn't pay attention to me. He was always working out saving everyone else, but not saving me. This continued until last year, 2013. I often made up excuses not to be home. I would go to camp or to my parents just to get away from him. I had family members encouraging me to leave him. "He has brainwashed you. All he cares about is church and work. Not you." they would say.
I finally left. I packed up our things and left. I called a lawyer and enrolled the kids in school two hours away from him. But God still didn't give up on our marriage. We had people praying and calling me to talk. I finally agreed to go back home. We met with our pastor and his wife whom I love dearly, and it was then that I realized all these years I blamed my husband for our troubles, but it was me who needed to change. I needed the Lord to change me. From that point on AMAZING things have been happening. I believe we are more in love than ever before. It's a new beginning, and all because the Lord never gave up on us. On me!
Wives Behind the Badge, Inc.
Maine Auxiliary Director